Celestial advice

'Oh God!' I cried in my despair in the dark night of my soul, 'Can no one help me?'

Within seconds, a vague and dark figure appeared dimly in front of me. I couldn't make out any of its features clearly.

• So, my child, how can I help you?
• But who are you? I can't see you very well.
• I am Saint Jude, the patron saint of hopeless causes. I am supposed to be obscure, in case you didn't know. I gather you wanted to speak to me. Well?
• I'm trying to convince the British people that they should not have a referendum on their continued membership of the European Union.
• And what should they do instead?
• They should have a parliamentary process such as that envisioned by Enoch Powell.
• Ah yes, him. He spoke to me around forty years ago about that too.
• And I want to stop governments around the world taking measures to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.
• Because?
• The climate sensitivity to carbon dioxide is so low that the gas has scarcely any effect on global warming at all, which means that these measures make no difference, damage the environment and just waste money.
• Well, that certainly seems to me like a hopeless cause.
• Even Pope Francis seems to believe all this stuff.
• He even believes in me, so what do you expect?
• There's more. I want to get politicians in the West to speak honestly to their people and not dissemble or try to mislead them.
• Hmm… Most people find one hopeless cause at a time to be sufficient; you have three. When I consider these causes I think you are talking to the wrong saint.
• You mean these causes may not be hopeless enough for you?
• No, no. All three of them are quite hopeless, but you need to talk to someone with special expertise. I am going to refer you to my venerable colleague Saint Christina, known to her followers as 'the Astonishing'.
• And what does she do?
• She is the patron saint of lunatics. Time's up, must dash. Byeee!